ALLWAYS and NEVER

The issue I wanted to put on the table for your consideration are the words “never” and “always.” This came up at one of my weekly meetings with men and I want to give a hat tip to John C. who is always perceptive.

 Always and never are interesting words because they don’t describe the real world. As Asimov so famously observed “the only constant is change” and nothing in the physical world is “always” or “never.” Reality is like a statistical distribution curve, there are always the fee tails, the outliers, the exceptions that prove the rule. So when someone says “Blank is always soandso” you know they are speaking from an emotional rather than rational point of view because it is an impossible statement. It is like dividing by zero, or saying “a cubed equals b cubed plus c cubed” it is a seemingly rational mathematical formulae, but it is an impossibility. Likewise, so is “Blank is always soandso.”

So let’s bring this down out of the theoretical and into the nitty gritty of relationships.

When your beloved comes home and says, in an angry voice “You always leave the door open.” Your first response, if you are novitiate in the ways of being a better man, is to see that blatant falsehood as an attack, as blaming you for something you don’t do, wouldn’t do, or at least if you did do there was a damn good reason for it.

 Admittedly, the door might have been open when your beloved came home, but clearly it is not “always” open and more to the point since your last argument about heating the neighborhood you have been conscientious about closing the door for which you’ve gotten absolutely no credit and a quick survey of the house would show to a certitude that all the doors and windows are closed, were closed, and have only been opened as necessary for egress and ingress, so you might say “don’t start with that” or “That’s the first time the door’s been open in six weeks, stop bitching.”  And we know how these theoretical conversations are going to end: badly

 Note this, even if you are absolutely correct. Even if you had been closing and locking the door with the assiduity of the vault keeper at Gringotts, even if you had locked the door not just three minutes ago but a burglar  had slipped the bolts in anticipation of stealing you baseball collection only to be scared away by the headlights of your beloved’s car, understand this: it doesn’t matter.

Your honey telegraphed where she was coming from when she said “always.” When we say “always” or “never” we (yes, WE. This bit of irrationality isn’t limited to women) are announcing that we are in an irrational state and if there is one other fundamental truth to this universe it is that you cannot reason with an irrational person.

Stack up all the facts, call in the witnesses, catch the burglar down the street and have him confess and she’s still going to be angry. No one who is out of control has ever calmed down when someone said “calm down” and if you try to reason with them you by citing facts and appealing to logic you are just going to make it worse and end up in a fight where your feelings get hurt and you start attacking back with some perceived fault of your partner (you spend too much money, you always expect me to to … whatever.)

“But it’s not fair!” you say and perhaps you’re right but life isn’t fair. I promise you everyone sailing through the air after being hit by a beer truck is thinking “this isn’t fair” but it doesn’t change a damn thing. Life isn’t fair.

“So what do I do? Suck it up, roll over and play dead, be pussy whipped?”  Nope. Wouldn’t suggest that for a minute. We all hate it when we roll over and play dead, we all hate the way it makes us feel impotent and useless when we seemingly cave to our partner’s  (and I hate to use the word) unfair behavior. We resent rolling over and after a while that resentment builds up into a general dislike and distrust for our spouses and bingo, the marriage has taken the exit ramp to the Twilight Zone.

“BUT she’s being irrational… you said so yourself… why should I have to put up with someone who’s being irrational?” Jeezopete, come on down off the cross. We all act irrational from time to time, and your typical response, to feel attacked and to become defensive is not only irrational, but it is ineffective. It is time to try something new, something that works.

You stand up for yourself by embracing the anger. If you haven’t the foggiest what I mean by that you haven’t read enough of the blog or the book, but it comes down to this: you don’t walk away, but you do realize that this isn’t about the door being left open.

Always and Never are invitations to dialogue. Always and Never are by themselves statements of a fear that life is not going to change. This is what I am going to live with the rest of my life. He is never going to change. I am always going to be miserable.

The key is to engage your beloved through dialogue and mirroring to understand what is going on in her life.

So your response might better be: “You’re right. I did leave the door open. Did I get that right?” and then let her explain if there is more. If there is, go there, but if there’s not you simply say “I can understand how finding the door would make you ….

And before you know it your relationship will grow deeper and more meaningful and there is a damn fine chance that you wife will stop saying “you always….”

Now if this makes no sense to you what so ever it’s because this is your first time here and you have neither read the book nor are you up to speed, but trust me on this and read on.

In the interim, it wouldn’t do yourself or your relationships with your spouse and kids if you took “never” and “always” out of your lexicon as well.