There is an old adage in law that you take your victims as you find them, which means that if you negligently knock an old lady down and she breaks a hip, you don’t get the excuse of she was an old lady and had fragile hips, i.e. anybody else would be fine ergo I shouldn’t be held liable for the broken hip, but only for the bruise a normal person would have suffered.
In relationships this comes out to you have to own the effect of your words, and not excuse yourself by saying “that’s not what I meant.” You said something that was possibly merely taken out of context, but it caused pain and you have to own that, you have to take your victims as you find them and excusing your behavior by saying “you know I didn’t mean that” or “nobody else would react this way,” or any other variation on that theme that places the blame for the bad feelings that have arisen on the person feeling them.
Intent is one thing, effect is another. If you make a joke, and it not only falls flat on it’s face but comes across as sarcastic and mean, whether you intended to be sarcastic and mean is really secondary to the person who is feeling the sting of your words.
It’s sort of like saying “fuck you” and following it with the old sardonic disclaimer of “I mean that in the best possible sense of the word.” It’s funny when we attempt to soft pedal a clearly unintended and gratuitous insult, but it is not productive when we attempt to back away and disclaim responsibility for unintentional hurt.
Imagine you are carrying a ladder on your shoulder and as you turn you inadvertently clock your beloved in the head with the end of the ladder hanging out behind you. If you want, you may stand there with the ladder and say, “It serves you right you stupid git. You should have seen I had the ladder and anticipated that I would turn. At the very least you should have ducked, now get up and stop bleeding on the carpet.”
The great thing about blaming the other person for being concussed is that it means that you don’t have to examine your behavior, whether it was reasonable to be carrying the ladder that way, whether you turned too quickly, whether you should have said something before you turned, whether if, in all actuality, you didn’t care if you hurt her or if maybe even, at some dark uncaring level, you wanted to.
Or you can put the ladder down and say, “My god, are you all right? Let me help you.”
In relationships this means the better man, when he realizes that he has stepped in it takes responsibility. He takes ownership. He might say “Clearly what I said hurt you, and I apologize for that pain.” And if he’s really good, he might start a dialogue, (“tell me more”) but if he’s getting better at the very least he revisits the circumstances of the conversation in his mind and does a bit of self-analysis, examining his remarks for any passive/aggressive basis. The better man will mark for future reference the effect of what he said, recognizing that it is a soft spot for his wife and treading carefully there. The better man will note that sarcasm is at best veiled anger, and maybe next time he’ll avoid an unintentional hurt.
Now there are those among you who are saying, “Hunt, c’mon, she’s hyper-sensitive,” and you may be right, you know your wife better than I do and you may be 100% tap dead center on this, but here we are back at the premise: you take your victims as you find them. Your wife might be oversensitive, but you are not going to make friends and endear her to you by telling her. You are going to come across is insensitive, uncaring, and possibly mean and then you are going to sit around and wonder why she doesn’t want to have sex with you. Admit it: you’ve tried it that way and it hasn’t worked. Try something new. Try a different approach.
Try coming back to her after she has cooled off and saying “If you have a moment, I’d like to share something with you. I’ve been thinking about what I said about Mother Teresa and I realized that what I said hurt you, and that’s not the man I want to be. I realize I can’t take it back, I can’t un-say, I can’t un-hurt, but I want you to know I’m sorry for the pain I caused you and I’m going to be more intentional, and more careful, about the way I communicate with you.”
By saying this you haven’t blamed her, but neither have you swallowed your man-hood and become a beta-male. All you’ve done is acknowledge that what you said caused her pain (true) and that you don’t want to do that in the future (true) and you are going to work on it (hopefully true.) You haven’t said she was right, you haven’t said that she can control how you talk. You’ve simply owned your part of what happened.
And in time, she will own her part, but you’ve got to lead if you want anyone to follow.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
BECAUSE I CAN'T BE MAD AT THE DOG
A while back my dog, an otherwise well-trained and good dog, had been housebound too long due to protracted rain (she simply will not go out in the rain) and errands (my beloved and I both had things to do and we will go out in the rain) and as a result when she got home before I did…
Well, let’s say my beloved knew with her frist breath after she opened the door that the dog, a Great Dane, had allowed biological need to overwhelm both her training and her sense of decorum and there in the dining room (on the oriental rug, of course) was ample evidence that the dog was well fed.
As they say, shit happens, and if you lock a dog in a house this is not an unforeseen result. Regrettable, but until I can figure a way to teach them to use the toilet for something other than a fountain this shit, literally, is going to happen. I’ve had Great Danes for over 20 years and as a rule I pick up pretty much everything that they eat, so cleaning up the mess isn’t a big deal for me, but I wasn’t the first home.
Now there were a couple of other things going on here. The rug was a new acquisition. My beloved, who enjoys a neat and clean house, had just finished redecorating the dining room, and while she’s not a squeamish type, cleaning up dog shit is not high on her list of fun things. These and other factors all combined to exacerbate the dire effects of this event.
I knew what was waiting for me when I got home because she had called to tell me what MY DOG had done and by the time I arrived the doors were open, the attic fan was on, two or three spent bottles of Lysol spray lay on the floor while their contents hung in the air, the poop was gone and she was angry.
No, she was livid.
And better-man me embraced her anger and in the course of our discussion I asked why she was mad with me and she said, “Because I can’t be angry with the dog.” Which was true. Irrelevant, it seemed, but true. I knew and she knew that the dog would have gone outside if she could, that we had locked the doors, and hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
But still, it didn’t explain why she chose to be angry with me, inasmuch as I had just about as much control of the situation as the dog did. I would have opened the door had I been there, but I wasn’t there. Her anger felt like an unjustified personal attack, and I although I struggled with that, I set it aside. I didn’t take it personally because to do so would invite me to retaliate, to allow my righteous indignation to fuel an attack on her for her unjustified attack on me.
So I listened, and I mirrored, and eventually she felt heard and calmed down and somehow the sun rose the next morning and life went on, but her response has stuck with me…. she was angry with me because she couldn’t be angry with the dog. She’s not crazy so that has to make sense.
And finally, last night, it dawns on me: duh! The dog hasn’t studied Imago, the dog hasn’t read HTSYMbBABM, the dog’s only response to her anger is to run away. The dog cannot be a vessel for her anguish, the dog cannot embrace her anger…
But I can.
So it makes sense that she shares her anger with me (the only way she knows how), because I have shown her that I won’t run away from it, that I will embrace it, that I will be there for her.
Now some of you are going, “Hunt, come on down off the cross, it wasn’t right for her to be angry with you because of something the dog did. Grow a set and tell her to shut up.”
Yeah, you’re right about the first part, but telling her she’s wrong is not going to help things. It is enough that I know it, and as for the second part, grow a set, I got a new and improved set so I don’t have to prove I have them (to you or her) by telling her to shut up. There are better ways.
So here’s the insight: when your beloved is angry with the world, maybe it’s something that happened in her family, maybe it’s something that happened at school or work or maybe, god forbid, it has something to do with the dog, understand that you, her spouse, represent her safety zone. She may not do it gracefully, and it may not be a lot of fun, but she is turning to you in anger because you are the only person she can turn to, and for now, the only tool for expressing herself is anger.
She cannot blow up at her boss, her teacher, her mother, her neighbor or her dog because it will serve no purpose. They will run away, the will fight back, things will go from bad to worst. She is angry, and she can’t get mad at the dog, so guess what? You’re elected. Don’t get me wrong: getting angry at you is not good relationship maintenance and depending on your tolerance it will have to change at some time, but it is a very natural and common behavior for all of us.
You’ve done it. You’ve popped your cork at someone because damnit enough is enough and that person just picked the wrong person to fuck with…. And if you have done it then you cannot blame your beloved when she goes there.
And you’re elected because 1) you volunteered, (maybe the vows should be to love, honor, respect and embrace her anger) and 2) you (if you’ve read the book and done the work) got the skills: you can embrace your beloved’s anger. You can listen, you can understand, you can be supportive, and in her world the odds are you are the only person she can turn to (seemingly on) when the chaos of an unfair world make her fear and it shows up as anger.
You can take it in knowing that it’s genus, while superficially you, is elsewhere, and by not reacting to her anger, by not blaming her for being angry at you for something you didn’t do, by not allowing yourself to believe the lie that she is angry with you, you can help her survive the moment, transcend the anger, and perhaps grow.
My beloved became angry and the only recourse she had, the only tool in her box, was to blame me. Why? Because the dog couldn’t help her, and I can.
Well, let’s say my beloved knew with her frist breath after she opened the door that the dog, a Great Dane, had allowed biological need to overwhelm both her training and her sense of decorum and there in the dining room (on the oriental rug, of course) was ample evidence that the dog was well fed.
As they say, shit happens, and if you lock a dog in a house this is not an unforeseen result. Regrettable, but until I can figure a way to teach them to use the toilet for something other than a fountain this shit, literally, is going to happen. I’ve had Great Danes for over 20 years and as a rule I pick up pretty much everything that they eat, so cleaning up the mess isn’t a big deal for me, but I wasn’t the first home.
Now there were a couple of other things going on here. The rug was a new acquisition. My beloved, who enjoys a neat and clean house, had just finished redecorating the dining room, and while she’s not a squeamish type, cleaning up dog shit is not high on her list of fun things. These and other factors all combined to exacerbate the dire effects of this event.
I knew what was waiting for me when I got home because she had called to tell me what MY DOG had done and by the time I arrived the doors were open, the attic fan was on, two or three spent bottles of Lysol spray lay on the floor while their contents hung in the air, the poop was gone and she was angry.
No, she was livid.
And better-man me embraced her anger and in the course of our discussion I asked why she was mad with me and she said, “Because I can’t be angry with the dog.” Which was true. Irrelevant, it seemed, but true. I knew and she knew that the dog would have gone outside if she could, that we had locked the doors, and hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
But still, it didn’t explain why she chose to be angry with me, inasmuch as I had just about as much control of the situation as the dog did. I would have opened the door had I been there, but I wasn’t there. Her anger felt like an unjustified personal attack, and I although I struggled with that, I set it aside. I didn’t take it personally because to do so would invite me to retaliate, to allow my righteous indignation to fuel an attack on her for her unjustified attack on me.
So I listened, and I mirrored, and eventually she felt heard and calmed down and somehow the sun rose the next morning and life went on, but her response has stuck with me…. she was angry with me because she couldn’t be angry with the dog. She’s not crazy so that has to make sense.
And finally, last night, it dawns on me: duh! The dog hasn’t studied Imago, the dog hasn’t read HTSYMbBABM, the dog’s only response to her anger is to run away. The dog cannot be a vessel for her anguish, the dog cannot embrace her anger…
But I can.
So it makes sense that she shares her anger with me (the only way she knows how), because I have shown her that I won’t run away from it, that I will embrace it, that I will be there for her.
Now some of you are going, “Hunt, come on down off the cross, it wasn’t right for her to be angry with you because of something the dog did. Grow a set and tell her to shut up.”
Yeah, you’re right about the first part, but telling her she’s wrong is not going to help things. It is enough that I know it, and as for the second part, grow a set, I got a new and improved set so I don’t have to prove I have them (to you or her) by telling her to shut up. There are better ways.
So here’s the insight: when your beloved is angry with the world, maybe it’s something that happened in her family, maybe it’s something that happened at school or work or maybe, god forbid, it has something to do with the dog, understand that you, her spouse, represent her safety zone. She may not do it gracefully, and it may not be a lot of fun, but she is turning to you in anger because you are the only person she can turn to, and for now, the only tool for expressing herself is anger.
She cannot blow up at her boss, her teacher, her mother, her neighbor or her dog because it will serve no purpose. They will run away, the will fight back, things will go from bad to worst. She is angry, and she can’t get mad at the dog, so guess what? You’re elected. Don’t get me wrong: getting angry at you is not good relationship maintenance and depending on your tolerance it will have to change at some time, but it is a very natural and common behavior for all of us.
You’ve done it. You’ve popped your cork at someone because damnit enough is enough and that person just picked the wrong person to fuck with…. And if you have done it then you cannot blame your beloved when she goes there.
And you’re elected because 1) you volunteered, (maybe the vows should be to love, honor, respect and embrace her anger) and 2) you (if you’ve read the book and done the work) got the skills: you can embrace your beloved’s anger. You can listen, you can understand, you can be supportive, and in her world the odds are you are the only person she can turn to (seemingly on) when the chaos of an unfair world make her fear and it shows up as anger.
You can take it in knowing that it’s genus, while superficially you, is elsewhere, and by not reacting to her anger, by not blaming her for being angry at you for something you didn’t do, by not allowing yourself to believe the lie that she is angry with you, you can help her survive the moment, transcend the anger, and perhaps grow.
My beloved became angry and the only recourse she had, the only tool in her box, was to blame me. Why? Because the dog couldn’t help her, and I can.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
A Manifesto Worthy of the Marx Brothers
First off I’d like to appreciate Pajamas Media, Bill Whittle and the Trifecta for exposing me to what I am about to share with you. Going online is like going to Shinsengae Centumcity Department Store (the worlds largest, sorry GUM) and being asked as you checked out if you found every thing you wanted: there’s just no way to know if you did. On the internet there is such a tsunami of information there is simply no way to find all the stuff you want. Pajamas Media is a great bird dog for pointing out interesting game and I recommend them to you.
I’ve taken issue in past blogs with the simplistic theory of the Alpha Male, and now in all fairness I can take on the equally sophomoric philosophy of what the Alpha’s would call Beta Males, but I’d put them a little further down the continuum… maybe theta’s or zetas.
The proponents of Alpha Maleness cling to an atavistic understanding of the relationships between man and women which comes down to this: real men are not pussy whipped. They meet their obligation to provide the occasional ibex on the cave floor and otherwise do exactly what they want and to hell with anything the little woman has to say. In the Alpha male world a guy is either an alpha male or a pussy whipped loser.
Enter now “A Manifesto for Conscious Men.” It is the product of Gay Hendricks and Arjuna Ardagh, and like all good manifestos it has a web page, a facebook page (where you can read the screed) and if you can stomach it, a Youtube video.
The manifest starts off by embracing one of the cardinal sins to those who would be better men: apologizing for something you didn’t do, for Hendricks and Ardagh encourage all men to assume responsibility and atone for all the oppression and abuse of women at the hands of men since time began. They apologize for religion, for science, and even for unconscious actions. They don’t get around to apologizing for the Holocaust despite the fact that it killed millions of women, but I’m sure, had they thought of all those horrid alpha male Nazis with their Heidelberg scars they would have realized that all of the Third Reich was essentially misogonistic performance art and made their mea culpas.
Here’s the thing: I’m not going to apologize for slavery. Not to the blacks of America, nor the defeated soldiers marched into Rome under the banner of Julius Caeser, nor for Aparteid, jim crow, or even the holocaust. I’m not going to take responsibility for the burka, or female circumcision or the abandonment of Chinese female babies.
I won’t apologize because I didn’t do it. I’ve got plenty of my own shit to take responsibility for in my struggle to be a better man, and I don’t do myself, or the woman I love, any favors by nailing myself to the cross and taking responsibility for the fact that some Neanderthal male beat up a homo erectus female in a cave in Provance six thousand years ago.
Within the first sentence of the manifesto, bolded for emphasis is the commitment to becoming more "conscious" in every way, which is a great and noble endeavor for anyone, male or female. The problem is, however, that the manifesto then propounds a series of trite and false assumptions about women in general which it proposes other men adopt unchallenged.
According to Mssrs. Hendricks and Ardagh, all women have a deep connection to the earth, have an intuitive understanding of how to heal the planet, a profound capacity for feeling, a wisdom of the feminine hearts, a capacity for peaceful resolution of conflicts And can listen to their bodies and have an innate sense of compassionate justice.
Men, however start wars and pollute the earth. Really, these guys make the Alpha Male crowd look good by comparison. If Hendricks/Ardagh propose anything, it is for other men to divest themselves of all rational thought and to be conscious of nothing but the pablum of this manifesto.
There is only one part of the "manifesto" that speaks to me and that is the third paragraph which says "I commit to owning and stewarding a masculinity that honors and celebrates us as equals." That makes sense, but seven paragraphs later this modest proposal that men not only honor and worship this ersatz female god that walks among us paternalistically recognizes that while a woman’s body belongs to herself, the soulless commercialization of her beauty is wrong. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds a lot like this. If we are equals I don't get to decide what is right or wrong for her. She can pose for Playboy or Vogue. It is her right.
Here’s the truth: if you want to honor and respect the woman in your life, understand and honor the woman in your life and not some pseudo gaia projection of collective male guilt. The better man desires to have a mature and meaningful relationship with his beloved and that, my friends, requires first and foremost bringing his best game to the table and second, not polluting his mind with false expectations of what his wife is. We are all imperfect, male and female alike and in good relationships we both strive to be better.
two typos fixed 4/17
I’ve taken issue in past blogs with the simplistic theory of the Alpha Male, and now in all fairness I can take on the equally sophomoric philosophy of what the Alpha’s would call Beta Males, but I’d put them a little further down the continuum… maybe theta’s or zetas.
The proponents of Alpha Maleness cling to an atavistic understanding of the relationships between man and women which comes down to this: real men are not pussy whipped. They meet their obligation to provide the occasional ibex on the cave floor and otherwise do exactly what they want and to hell with anything the little woman has to say. In the Alpha male world a guy is either an alpha male or a pussy whipped loser.
Enter now “A Manifesto for Conscious Men.” It is the product of Gay Hendricks and Arjuna Ardagh, and like all good manifestos it has a web page, a facebook page (where you can read the screed) and if you can stomach it, a Youtube video.
The manifest starts off by embracing one of the cardinal sins to those who would be better men: apologizing for something you didn’t do, for Hendricks and Ardagh encourage all men to assume responsibility and atone for all the oppression and abuse of women at the hands of men since time began. They apologize for religion, for science, and even for unconscious actions. They don’t get around to apologizing for the Holocaust despite the fact that it killed millions of women, but I’m sure, had they thought of all those horrid alpha male Nazis with their Heidelberg scars they would have realized that all of the Third Reich was essentially misogonistic performance art and made their mea culpas.
Here’s the thing: I’m not going to apologize for slavery. Not to the blacks of America, nor the defeated soldiers marched into Rome under the banner of Julius Caeser, nor for Aparteid, jim crow, or even the holocaust. I’m not going to take responsibility for the burka, or female circumcision or the abandonment of Chinese female babies.
I won’t apologize because I didn’t do it. I’ve got plenty of my own shit to take responsibility for in my struggle to be a better man, and I don’t do myself, or the woman I love, any favors by nailing myself to the cross and taking responsibility for the fact that some Neanderthal male beat up a homo erectus female in a cave in Provance six thousand years ago.
Within the first sentence of the manifesto, bolded for emphasis is the commitment to becoming more "conscious" in every way, which is a great and noble endeavor for anyone, male or female. The problem is, however, that the manifesto then propounds a series of trite and false assumptions about women in general which it proposes other men adopt unchallenged.
According to Mssrs. Hendricks and Ardagh, all women have a deep connection to the earth, have an intuitive understanding of how to heal the planet, a profound capacity for feeling, a wisdom of the feminine hearts, a capacity for peaceful resolution of conflicts And can listen to their bodies and have an innate sense of compassionate justice.
Men, however start wars and pollute the earth. Really, these guys make the Alpha Male crowd look good by comparison. If Hendricks/Ardagh propose anything, it is for other men to divest themselves of all rational thought and to be conscious of nothing but the pablum of this manifesto.
There is only one part of the "manifesto" that speaks to me and that is the third paragraph which says "I commit to owning and stewarding a masculinity that honors and celebrates us as equals." That makes sense, but seven paragraphs later this modest proposal that men not only honor and worship this ersatz female god that walks among us paternalistically recognizes that while a woman’s body belongs to herself, the soulless commercialization of her beauty is wrong. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds a lot like this. If we are equals I don't get to decide what is right or wrong for her. She can pose for Playboy or Vogue. It is her right.
Here’s the truth: if you want to honor and respect the woman in your life, understand and honor the woman in your life and not some pseudo gaia projection of collective male guilt. The better man desires to have a mature and meaningful relationship with his beloved and that, my friends, requires first and foremost bringing his best game to the table and second, not polluting his mind with false expectations of what his wife is. We are all imperfect, male and female alike and in good relationships we both strive to be better.
two typos fixed 4/17
Saturday, April 2, 2011
YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S THERAPIST
It is not your job and it is not your skill set, and most importantly, it is not the relationship you want. If you want to be your wife’s therapist, get a divorce, get your PhD in either psychology or psychiatry and then give her a call after you have set up your office, but guess what? She probably won’t want you as her therapist then any more than she does now.
Consider Mary is angry and she is angry about something she’s been upset about before. You stay out too late with your friends. You’ve done nothing intrinsically wrong, and in point of fact you do everything right: this isn’t a regular issue and you call her to tell her that you’ll be late and in fact you are not too late but when you come in she is seething.
When this has happened before (footnote) you embraced her anger, you mirrored her, and after a while you discovered that her anger stems from her fear that she’s not important in your life, that she feels you would rather be with your friends, and ultimately this all goes back to the rejection she felt in prior relationships where she had been betrayed, and possibly even further back to formative issues with her parents.
After a lot of patience and mirroring she calmed down and her anger passed and life was good.
But now, coming back from time with your friends, you sense her anger because she’s got that tone of voice and it’s about twenty degrees colder in the room where she waits for you and because you’ve had the discussion with her before you have a good idea of what’s going on and because you love her and because you don’t want her to be angry you say:
YOU: C’mon Mary, you know this isn’t about me. You know I love you and that your anger is merely a defense against your fears of betrayal so why don’t we talk about that?
Which would be a great line for her psychologist to say in the safe confines of the counseling room and could have all sorts of therapeutic benefits because, guess what? Mary wouldn’t be mad at her therapist and thus maybe Mary could hear it. Mary is paying her therapist for that sort of insight and Mary wants her relationship with her therapist to be one that includes reality checking. Mary wants her relationship with her therapist (as does her therapist) to be a relationship of un-equals, a relationship of professional distance.
Mary wants you to love her, and she can’t love you if you try to create a therapeutic relationship. You job as a better man is to let Mary work on her own shit. You can listen, you can mirror, you can validate and empathize but the second you get into psychoanalysis you shatter your relationship of love and create a dynamic where you are the rational and she is the emotional, where you are the adult and she is the child, where you are right and she is wrong.
Now it could be if your beloved is evolved almost to the point of transcendence that she’s going to pause, listen, and say
MARY: Thank you for that profound insight. I always appreciate it when you help me identify my growth points. Let’s have sex now.
But the most likely scenario is that Mary is going to feel attacked, because no matter how carefully you tread you are right up against her soft spots, her tender areas, her buttons if you will, and pointing out, however well intentioned, no matter how lovingly phrased, that her anger is misplaced is going to effectively tell her she is wrong. You are going to tell her something you intend to be kind and understanding and she is going to hear:
YOU: WRONG. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE SO STUPID; THAT THIS IS STILL AN ISSUE. YOU KNOW I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT AND YOU ARE OUT OF LINE…..
And since that is what Mary is hearing, you can imagine she is going to react pretty much the same way she would if you had actually said it. It won’t be pretty. At best you continue your half-assed attempt at therapy and things will get worse, At worst you become reactive and it all goes to hell. You won’t go to bed until late, you will not sleep well and you will not wake up happy. Don’t go there.
So you do what you did before: you embrace her anger, you hear her out, you mirror and you let her talk. This works. I know it’s hard, I know it’s repetitious, I know there’s a part of you that wants to scream.
YOU: I have to do this again? Haven’t we been over this? Why can’t she clean up her side of the street?
But screaming that is just like pissing into the wind: it’s just going to blow back on to you. Don’t do it, it’s non-productive, it is in fact just an invitation to destructive behaviors and regression on both of your parts.
By mirroring Mary you allow her the room to hear herself, you allow her the chance to put her thoughts in order, you give her the opportunity to reinforce the insight she had before, you give her the safety she needs to face her fears and to let go of the bad behaviors they engender.
More importantly, you show her, rather than tell her or perhaps even yell at her, that you love and respect her.
And it could well be she is never going to get over it. It could be she’s not going to get over it because she’s never, ever, going to clean up her side of the street, she is never going to venture into introspection and growth, and maybe you will have to move on to a better relationship, but honestly if that were the case the mirroring wouldn’t have worked first time around. It took you a while to get where you are, but you did (albeit dragging your feet and feeling blindly in the dark.) Give her the credit you have given yourself and recognize it will take her a while too, but it’s worth the wait.
It could also be that this is always going to be an issue that will crop up when she is under stress. This is normal. Some stuff goes so far back it just isn’t going to get fixed, completely fixed and healed, in our life times. Like a bad back or a rotator cuff injury you have to accept that it is going to get inflamed and hurt every so often.
But like a bad back or a rotator cuff injury, you know it won’t last forever, you know how to treat it and if you keep at the exercises and the work the frequency and duration of the events will dwindle.
And one night you’re going to call and say “Honey, I’m going to be a bit late tonight…” and Mary is going to feel that familiar fear and even if she can’t set it aside she going to recognize if for what it is and let it go because you’ve given her the support she needs to do her work.
Consider Mary is angry and she is angry about something she’s been upset about before. You stay out too late with your friends. You’ve done nothing intrinsically wrong, and in point of fact you do everything right: this isn’t a regular issue and you call her to tell her that you’ll be late and in fact you are not too late but when you come in she is seething.
When this has happened before (footnote) you embraced her anger, you mirrored her, and after a while you discovered that her anger stems from her fear that she’s not important in your life, that she feels you would rather be with your friends, and ultimately this all goes back to the rejection she felt in prior relationships where she had been betrayed, and possibly even further back to formative issues with her parents.
After a lot of patience and mirroring she calmed down and her anger passed and life was good.
But now, coming back from time with your friends, you sense her anger because she’s got that tone of voice and it’s about twenty degrees colder in the room where she waits for you and because you’ve had the discussion with her before you have a good idea of what’s going on and because you love her and because you don’t want her to be angry you say:
YOU: C’mon Mary, you know this isn’t about me. You know I love you and that your anger is merely a defense against your fears of betrayal so why don’t we talk about that?
Which would be a great line for her psychologist to say in the safe confines of the counseling room and could have all sorts of therapeutic benefits because, guess what? Mary wouldn’t be mad at her therapist and thus maybe Mary could hear it. Mary is paying her therapist for that sort of insight and Mary wants her relationship with her therapist to be one that includes reality checking. Mary wants her relationship with her therapist (as does her therapist) to be a relationship of un-equals, a relationship of professional distance.
Mary wants you to love her, and she can’t love you if you try to create a therapeutic relationship. You job as a better man is to let Mary work on her own shit. You can listen, you can mirror, you can validate and empathize but the second you get into psychoanalysis you shatter your relationship of love and create a dynamic where you are the rational and she is the emotional, where you are the adult and she is the child, where you are right and she is wrong.
Now it could be if your beloved is evolved almost to the point of transcendence that she’s going to pause, listen, and say
MARY: Thank you for that profound insight. I always appreciate it when you help me identify my growth points. Let’s have sex now.
But the most likely scenario is that Mary is going to feel attacked, because no matter how carefully you tread you are right up against her soft spots, her tender areas, her buttons if you will, and pointing out, however well intentioned, no matter how lovingly phrased, that her anger is misplaced is going to effectively tell her she is wrong. You are going to tell her something you intend to be kind and understanding and she is going to hear:
YOU: WRONG. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE SO STUPID; THAT THIS IS STILL AN ISSUE. YOU KNOW I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT AND YOU ARE OUT OF LINE…..
And since that is what Mary is hearing, you can imagine she is going to react pretty much the same way she would if you had actually said it. It won’t be pretty. At best you continue your half-assed attempt at therapy and things will get worse, At worst you become reactive and it all goes to hell. You won’t go to bed until late, you will not sleep well and you will not wake up happy. Don’t go there.
So you do what you did before: you embrace her anger, you hear her out, you mirror and you let her talk. This works. I know it’s hard, I know it’s repetitious, I know there’s a part of you that wants to scream.
YOU: I have to do this again? Haven’t we been over this? Why can’t she clean up her side of the street?
But screaming that is just like pissing into the wind: it’s just going to blow back on to you. Don’t do it, it’s non-productive, it is in fact just an invitation to destructive behaviors and regression on both of your parts.
By mirroring Mary you allow her the room to hear herself, you allow her the chance to put her thoughts in order, you give her the opportunity to reinforce the insight she had before, you give her the safety she needs to face her fears and to let go of the bad behaviors they engender.
More importantly, you show her, rather than tell her or perhaps even yell at her, that you love and respect her.
And it could well be she is never going to get over it. It could be she’s not going to get over it because she’s never, ever, going to clean up her side of the street, she is never going to venture into introspection and growth, and maybe you will have to move on to a better relationship, but honestly if that were the case the mirroring wouldn’t have worked first time around. It took you a while to get where you are, but you did (albeit dragging your feet and feeling blindly in the dark.) Give her the credit you have given yourself and recognize it will take her a while too, but it’s worth the wait.
It could also be that this is always going to be an issue that will crop up when she is under stress. This is normal. Some stuff goes so far back it just isn’t going to get fixed, completely fixed and healed, in our life times. Like a bad back or a rotator cuff injury you have to accept that it is going to get inflamed and hurt every so often.
But like a bad back or a rotator cuff injury, you know it won’t last forever, you know how to treat it and if you keep at the exercises and the work the frequency and duration of the events will dwindle.
And one night you’re going to call and say “Honey, I’m going to be a bit late tonight…” and Mary is going to feel that familiar fear and even if she can’t set it aside she going to recognize if for what it is and let it go because you’ve given her the support she needs to do her work.
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