Over at popsci.com there is an article exploring a study that shows (at least in the test groups) that approximately 35% of the time a man…. Or perhaps it was 35% of the men.. they didn’t make that clear… but in either event that the test group of men were able to identify whether or not a woman was menstruating simply by the sound of her voice.

Click on the link and read the article if you doubt me but before you go all Charlie Sheen on me and say “Duh… bitchy” understand that what’s going on here is not conflict based or relationship based, but simply men listening to a woman’s voice recorded over the course of her cycle and being able to (about a statistically signifcant third of the time) identify the recording made during her period. Nota Bene this test was done with voice recordings, so there were no pheromones involved and no body language, this was strictly monkey hear, monkey do.


From a better man perspective this brings up one big point: what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

In other words if one out of three times you can tell, simply by tone of voice, by timber, by tone, by inflection, by a countless number of unseen tells that something is going on in your wife’s life there is a fair chance that she can do the same, especially if she has other non-verbal clues such as your body language, you eye contact, your facial expression, your footsteps.

Lots of times in our relationship our beloveds come up with a statement like “is something bothering you?” or, in a less loving relationship “what’s wrong with you today” or in a even less satisfying scenario, “what is your fucking problem” and like most guys, given a choice between intimacy and plausable deniability, we go with the latter and say “no dear” “Nothing” or “Mind your own business.”

But what if rather than reverting to type you tried something different? What if rather than avoiding an awkward moment, you embraced it? What if rather than saying “I’m fine” you said “I am always amazed by your intuitiveness and I appreciate your invitation to dialogue,” and then tell her what’s on your mind.

WAIT A SECOND one of you is now thinking, what if something isn’t bothering me. What if I am as happy as a clam on a sandbar? And my response is, AS IF. What are you, a fucking saint? There hasn’t been something that’s been bugging you in your relationship? Do you seriously expect anyone to believe that you haven’t been nursing some viper to your breast, some unspoken anger, some unresolved angst, some slight or hurt which you wish she would recognize and own up to? Trust me, even if you are as happy as an alpiner in new lederhosen, there’s always something there, something that has gone unsaid and is lurking in the shadows waiting for an argument to burst forth and do its worst damage.

Just assume, for the sake of argument, that your wife is blind and deaf and there is no chance in hell that she has picked up on one of your tells, that she hasn’t intuited a sense of conflict or distress, why not take the opportunity? Why not accept the invitation? Why not honor her willingness to hear you by sharing? Why not get that lurking resentment out of the dark and into the open, resolve it and deepen your relationship?

Why not say “there is something that I’ve been struggling with and I appreciate your asking…..”

Now somebody is shaking their head and saying “Hunt, god bless you but you are an idiot, sometimes it is best to leave well enough alone and to simply not go there. If I answer her question honestly, all I will get is an argument.”

And that would be true if you weren’t trying to be the better man, if you still let your anticipation and projections control your actions, if you still made decisions based on fear and not on growth…. But assuming that some of you haven’t read the book, done the work and you haven’t gotten there quite yet let me point out the following.

Leaving well enough alone is just another way of saying stagnation, withdrawal and ultimately divorce. If you want to leave well enough alone then get out of the marriage. If you want to have a better marriage then the status quo will not do: the status quo is why you are miserable and you must act to make your relationship better and that means taking chances, that means honoring your wife’s invitation to dialogue.

Even if she says, “What the fuck is your problem?” you can answer: “I’d like to tell you if you’ll simply mirror me…” and then see what happens. My money says she’ll listen.

In fact, based upon the study cited above, my money says that when she asks you what is wrong there generally is something wrong and that you need to talk about it but you are afraid, even upon invitation, to go there and risk the bad scene you have convinced yourself will follow.

Be a better man: go there. Talk about it.